Welcoming Home a Father With Enthusiasm

September 19, 2011

The joy of a child greeting a returning father demonstrates the important role a father plays in a child’s life.

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We’re continuing our trip down the Seine and, I am sure, having a marvelous time. Practicing my extremely limited French and using Rick Steve’s phrase book.

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Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could create a world where daddies don’t need to go to war and be separated from their children?

I learned about these videos from Mel’s Video of the Day and I recommend you watch that one at:

http://www.coolestone.com/media/2239/Birthday-Suprise/Day

There are several other videos on YouTube that show the joy children have when their parent returns from a long absence. Here are just two of them.

The first shows a boy opening a special package.

Here is how a daughter reacts.

Are There Really Irreconcilable Differences?

June 6, 2011

SPECIAL NOTE: If you haven’t yet checked out the Love Your Life Summit, there is still time. Every day until June 20 you will be able to watch an interview with Marci Shimoff and two people who give excellent advice on bringing joy and love into your life.

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How can you move beyond what seem to be insurmountable differences of opinion and outlook?

Barry and Joyce Vissell are two of my favorite counselors on marriage and partnerships. They bring a wealth of experience from 37 years of working with couples and from their experience as a doctor and a nurse. They’ve given me permission to reprint articles from their SharedHeart Newsletter.

Their latest newsletter arrived last week with the following commentary about differences. It expresses one reason why my husband and I have been married for more than 50 years: we’ve not let our differences, of which there are many, interfere with our commitment to love and honor one another.

Celebrate your similarities, and you will learn to celebrate your differences. – Barry and Joyce Vissell

In a court of law, if both partners of a married couple claim they have irreconcilable differences, the court will grant them a legal divorce – without even asking what the differences are!

Joyce and I, on the other hand, having worked with thousands of couples over the last 37 years, challenge that there is no such thing as irreconcilable differences. We have seen that ANY difference can be not only tolerated, but even appreciated. But that takes real understanding and a commitment to love.

So what constitutes grounds for separation or divorce? It’s not the differences themselves. You will end up separating or divorcing if you choose not to try to understand them. Your relationship will end if you choose not to look inside to better understand yourself, as well as your partner.

Differences are not the problem. Secrecy, cruelty, active addictions and infidelity are hurtful and can be grounds for divorce if either partner refuses to get help.

During the romantic, early stages of relationship, most couples experience little difficulty with differences, even big ones. Their wide open hearts find enough room to embrace their differences. We once saw a liberal democratic woman in love with a conservative republican man. Their explanation? “We love each other enough to agree to disagree!”

When you’re in love, you easily understand how opposites attract. The differences in your lover don’t bother you. Their messiness or neatness, their introversion or extraversion, their love of the outdoors or their love of the indoors, their raw food vegan or steak and potatoes diet, these don’t seem to detract from the love you experience together. They may even be “cute” to you.

It is only later, after the honeymoon glow has faded, and each of your egos and personalities have powerfully come on the scene, that differences get magnified and can grate on you.

The question then is: How do you solve the problem of differences? One thing is for sure. It will never work to try to change your partner! Sure, you may correct bad habits. Early in our marriage, Joyce took a firm stand against my messiness. Just because I never used a vacuum cleaner in the first 22 years of my life, it simply wasn’t acceptable to her at the time that I didn’t help her clean the apartment. Did I change? Yes. Sometimes she laughs at how fastidious I can now be.

On a more serious note, I have had difficulty with Joyce’s sensitivity. Sometimes I’ll give her what seems to me a small correction, and she’ll feel criticized and hurt. I remember one time, long ago, when I complained about her sensitivity. She said to me, “Barry, you could have married a man who is just like you.” Her point was well taken. Now I am deeply grateful for her sensitivity. Perhaps more than anything else, her sensitivity has caused me to develop my own sensitivity.

Our religious difference – me being raised Jewish and Joyce Protestant – nearly destroyed our relationship in our early years. We tried to change one another. We had many arguments about religion. After two years, we deliberately transferred to different colleges to get away from each other. We tried dating persons of our same religion. It just wasn’t working. All the differences were only in our minds. In our hearts, there was a love big enough to embrace all our differences.

Finally we decided to get married. My childhood Rabbi was extremely discouraging. Joyce’s minister, Reverend Davis, agreed to marry us on one condition. He said, “I will only marry you if you promise never to try to change each other. It is the differences between you that will help you to most grow.” In a way, he was our first spiritual teacher, giving advice that has helped us to this day.

Our early marriage was still not easy. Although we understood about not changing each other, religion was still a difference we were trying to tolerate. What really helped was a deeply soulful search for a spirituality that we could share. We started with Transcendental Meditation, Hatha Yoga, Sufi Dancing, and Ram Dass’ book, Be Here Now, traveled the world in search of spiritual teachers, and studied a wide variety of spiritual paths, including the roots and origins of Judaism and Christianity. We searched for, and found, spiritual similarities that we shared, practices we could do together. Our favorite at the moment is very simple: we touch our foreheads together and take turns speaking a prayer from the heart – an expression of gratitude, asking for ways to be of service on this planet, as well as asking for help with current challenges.

Yes, Joyce and I have our own spirituality, our own practices. Is one method better than the other? Absolutely not. If it brings inner joy, peace, and respect for all life, it doesn’t matter what the practice.

Yet as a couple, we make it a priority to share sacred moments, whether it is the praying together, sitting side by side meditating in silence, appreciating one another, practicing sacred sexuality, or celebrating the beauty of nature.

It really doesn’t matter how different two people are if: one, those differences are respected and two, the similarities are found and celebrated. Over the years we have observed that couples must have or create a common link, a unifying quality, something that is deeply shared. If the deeper focus is on what you have in common, your differences become background, and thus are more easily embraced and loved. If you focus on your unity, your diversity will challenge you to grow. Celebrate your similarities, and you will learn to celebrate your differences.

A Good Quiz No Matter Who Created It

May 25, 2011

Here is a quick quiz that demonstrates the value of friendship.

I love receiving neat stuff in the mail and wondering whether it is really true or just someone’s idea of what should be true. One of these recently came to my inbox and said that Charles Schulz, creator of the Peanuts cartoons, had designed a quiz to determine the importance of having people care about you. So I looked it up on Snopes, one of my favorite sites for tracking down fake facts.

Apparently this set of questions first appeared in about 2000. It often came with a quotation at the end that was one that the cartoonist did have a character say, “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today . . . . it’s already tomorrow in Australia.”

Someone must have seen that line attributed to Schulz and thought the whole piece was by him.

Nevertheless, I think the questions are quite worth asking oneself and so I give them to you, attributing them to that famous author, Anonymous. You are not asked to actually answer the questions, but to ponder them. I think that’s good because I would have a hard time with many of them.

First, ask yourself these questions:
1.  Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2.  Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3.  Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4.  Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5.  Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6.  Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners. How did you do?

The point is , none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies..
Awards tarnish..
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1.  List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2.  Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3.  Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4.  Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5.  Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?
The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money…or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.
— Anonymous

 

Today I am probably driving to Glacier National Park and once more gathering wonderful memories. To see how I will do that, read Getting Ready to Gather Memories.

Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

What Does “I Love You” Mean?

February 14, 2011

What is the relationship between saying the words “I love you” and the actions you take?

My computer is giving serious signals that it will crash at any moment. So I am writing quickly, saving frequently, and have already put in an order for a new hard drive to be installed Tuesday.

In the meantime, I want to write a story for Valentine’s Day that, for me, illustrates what it means to love someone.

Here’s the story.

About two-and-a-half years ago, a woman who had previously worked for me part-time called to say she desperately needed a place to live and asked if I knew someone from whom she could rent a room. Although she had fibromyalgia and worked as hard as she could as a salesperson, she couldn’t afford much. Nevertheless, she expected a raise and promotion in about three months.

I knew we would be compatible and asked my husband if she could stay with us rent-free to give her a chance to save a little. I knew he wasn’t keen on the idea, but he agreed and she moved in.

What with one thing and another, the promotion didn’t come through and she didn’t move out for 14 months. I knew she was trying to get a better job, so my husband and I allowed extensions, knowing she wasn’t going to stay here forever.

Nevertheless, I could see he wasn’t happy about the adjustments he needed to make, like giving up his bathroom. Then, about a week before she finally left, he said he was counting the days until he could get his bathroom back. As we were talking about the fact that she had stayed longer than we expected, he acknowledged that he really hadn’t wanted her to move in in the first place. So I asked, “Then why did you say she could move in?”

He replied simply, “Because you wanted her to come and I love you.”

His answer is part of the reason we have been married more than fifty years. He doesn’t buy me fancy jewelry. He doesn’t share my spiritual beliefs. He doesn’t read what I write. He isn’t enthusiastic about many of the things I enjoy doing. And I am still waiting for him to finish several things on his to-do list.

However, I don’t have a need for expensive jewelry. I can share my beliefs with others. If people buy my books, I don’t need my husband to read them. And while I can possibly get him to go to one movie a year with me, usually a children’s movie with the grandchildren, yesterday I was very happy to take myself to “The King’s Speech” while he went on a ten-mile hike, which is at least ten times farther than I can go.

All-in-all I think we accommodate one another in many ways and that’s what it means to me when we say “I love you.” And while I would say that we don’t experience ourselves as “soul-mates,” we are definitely “sole-mates.”

Our marriage is, like many marriages of long duration, complex. But it works in large part because we try to live our “I love you” as well as say it. We don’t need to exchange fancy gifts on Valentine’s Day — today I’m giving him chocolate chip cookies I baked from a package of store-bought dough and tonight will give him the same card I gave him last year.  We will say “I love you” and know that it is true for both of us.

One last note about my friend’s stay at our house. She had fibromyalgia, which Half a year after she moved out, she married and soon discovered she had metastasized cancer. She died a  year later. I feel so grateful to my husband for going the extra mile and giving her a place where she could gather strength for the difficult months ahead, although of course, we didn’t know that at the time.

May there be someone in your life whose “I love you” means the willingness to do what needs to be done for a relationship to flourish. And may you do the same thing for him or her.

A Promise Not to Text

February 9, 2011

Discover how you can help prevent car accidents.

My grandson was killed several years ago but by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel. So I know the pain of suddenly losing a person you love very much. It is doubly painful to know that the accident could have been prevented.

That is why I want to share with you a video my brother sent me yesterday.  I think everyone who has ever texted (apparently it’s a real word) should absolutely watch. It is ten minutes but can save a life, maybe even yours.

The AT&T “Don’t Text While Driving” documentary below focuses on several young people who were texting while driving; it was the last thing they would ever type. The CoolestOne.com, where I first saw the video, says it should be shown in every high school. I agree. Even more, every parent should require their children to watch it.

And if you text, watch it even if you don’t “usually” text while driving. Any distraction that takes your eyes off the road has the potential to kill you or another person. Is the risk worth it to get that message typed immediately?

After you watch the video, be sure to scroll down and read the rest of the post for a text challenge.

After watching this video, I wondered what I could do, besides putting it in my blog and sending it to family and friends. Then it hit me. Start a campaign to get people who text to promise not to text while driving. I was about to start one on this post when I went back to the CoolestOne.com and discovered they had created the following pledges:

I pledge I will not text while I am driving.

I pledge I will not text while driving and will use only hands free calling if I need to speak on the phone while I am driving.

I pledge I will not text or use my phone while I am driving. If I need to use my phone, I will pull off the road to a safe location.

I wonder if the pledge might catch on more quickly if it were written in “text” language. I frankly don’t know what that would look like since I don’t text. But send me your contributions of any of the pledge statements above in the shortened words and phrases you would use if you were to type it on a cell phone.

Then send that text — when you are not driving — to everyone on your contact list. See how many of them will be willing to take the pledge with you.

I will post all contributions on this blog once a week for three weeks so more people can see it.

Since it takes two to have a text conversation, here is one more suggestion. Pledge not to engage in texting or a cell phone conversation with someone who doesn’t have a hands free phone if you know the intended recipient is behind the wheel. The other person may not want you to stop the conversation, but at least you won’t be responsible for encouraging him or her to drive distracted.

How much better to later see your friend healthy and in person than laid out on a cold slab or reduced to ashes in a jar.

Trust me. I know of what I speak.

P.S. I don’t insist that others be politically correct, but I did wonder why all of the young people who were shown in the video were white. Surely people of color also text while driving and many of them have been killed as well. Perhaps none of those families were willing to be photographed. It’s just something I tend to notice since I live in an interracial area and seeing people of all one color always strikes me as unusual. It doesn’t distract from the power of the video; I just think it would be more impactful for more people if there were teens of other races.