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A good idea from a life coach for personal development growth:
De-Escalate a Conflict
BY LEA BRANDENBURG
Reprinted with permission
Editor's recommendation on using this article: We all have a personal characteristic that tends to get in our way when we have conflicts with other people. What tendency of yours gets you in trouble? Choose just one (it's hard to change all your bad habits at once) and work on that for a month. Notice what happens when you put that idea into practice.
— Arlene Harder, MA, MFT, Editor-in-Chief
Conflict is a normal part of the communication process. These techniques will help you diffuse difficult situations.
1. Speak softer, speak more slowly, look person in the eyes.
2. Body Language: relaxed, take a deep slow breath, legs and arms uncrossed, take another deep breath, sit or stand at eye level -- neither one of you is up or down.
3. Ask for a break, if necessary to collect your thoughts. Have a time-out to release the energy and tension if the tension is getting in the way of resuming discussion.
4. Do take time out to think about the problem and to clarify your position. Before you speak out, ask yourself these questions:
What is the real issue here?
What do I want to accomplish?
Who is responsible for what?
What, specifically, do I want to change?
When possible, take time to sort out these questions before speaking out.
5. Give "I" messages.
6. Repeat messages and clarify often. "I think I heard you say... I'm not sure, but it sounds like you want... Could you explain that to me again?"
7. Remember to breathe.
8. Words that de-escalate a conflict are: maybe, what if, I feel, it seems like, I think, sometimes, perhaps, I wonder.
9. Affirm and acknowledge the position and needs of the other(s). "I can appreciate your situation... It sounds hard for you too... Thank you for your..." With practice, we can all understand and/or appreciate another's point of view or needs.
10. Ask open-ended questions. These are questions that do not require yes or no answers. For example, "What are you thoughts on this" Instead of, "Do you think we should do this activity?" Yes or No?
11. Take another deep breath. Listen to your voice. Is it calm? Relaxed? In control? Look at your body. Are your fists clenched? Are your lips pursed? Listen to your thoughts. Are you really listening to the other person(s)? Are you brainstorming alternative ideas or stuck in your mind with your original point of view? Can you find something that you appreciate about the other(s) positions, needs and/or feelings?
© 2002, Lea Brandenburg
Lea Brandenburg is president of Creating Strategies in New York, NY, and has been coaching an international group of clients and businesses since 1997. Her areas of expertise and passion are interpersonal and business communication, intuitive intelligence and creativity. She is a graduate of CoachInc.com, the coaching industry's premiere and oldest training program, a member of the International Coach Federation, which is an association dedicated to preserving the integrity and ethics of the coaching profession, and a Founding Member of Coachville, the first on line coaching training company and portal. You can contact her at lea@creatingstrategies.com. |
